I Wasn't Alone
by ashtondene
Summary: One Shot in Peyton's POV following Luke's proposal in L.A. Shows how she coped with losing him and who helped her heal. Pathan Friendship


**A/N: So here is my second attempt at writing a story. It is another one shot from Peyton's POV. I love Pathan and really wanted to attempt to write something about them. So this is my attempt at Pathan friendship. I am not sure how much I love it. I just wanted to put more of Peyton's POV out there about how she felt when Lucas proposed (at least how I imagine it)…Peyton is so complex and it is never just about missing Lucas. So here is my shot and giving you a glimpse into her head and thoughts and the time right after they broke up.**

**I own nothing. & I am glad I don't have to write entire episodes….Mark can claim it all!**

**Please read, review & let me know what you think. **

I never said no. Never.

I said I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready, that's all, not no.

I wasn't ready to be a wife. I wasn't ready to leave L.A. I wasn't ready to give up on my dreams.

Our dreams. I felt like we had so much to do, before we did _that_.

But never did I say no. Not once. I knew I wanted to be his wife. I wanted him to be my forever.

But to him I said no. Saying I wasn't ready to him was the same as saying no.

I think about how different our lives could be if either of us would have reacted differently. Like, what if I had said yes? What if when I said, not now, he said OK?, I'll wait for you Peyton. Sometimes I escape into my room playing every scenario over and over again.

I didn't call her and tell her. I didn't call anyone. Hell, it took me forever to even tell my dad, and we talked on a regular basis. So I didn't call. At first, it was too real. Too fresh. And I was afraid to say it out loud, because then, it really happened. I really said not now and he really left. So I just didn't call.

A month later she called. Just the normal "Hey P. Sawyer, Calling to check in. Wanted to hear about how you are signing all the hottest bands…call me back. Miss you" I didn't answer. I was too busy lost in my thoughts. Too busy brooding as she would say. I think she knew I wouldn't call back. So she did. Every day for fourteen straight days. Finally on day fifteen, I picked up. I couldn't take it anymore. The messages that kept interrupting my thoughts. Interrupted my brooding. So I picked up.

We went through the normal small talk... The "how are you?", "I'm just great", "Just designing clothes" until finally she came out and said it. "Peyt, I know you and Lucas broke up….Do you want to talk about it?" Of course, I didn't. She knows I don't talk about my problems. And well, Brooke and I, we don't ever talk about our problems with Lucas. There is too much history and hurt between the three of us. The conversations are never completely honest and always hurt the other person. So I was surprised she asked. Not that I didn't expect her to find out that we broke up, she is Jamie's Godmother. She, unlike me, still had ties in Tree Hill, especially with Haley, Luke's best friend. So I wasn't surprised she knew, or really that she called. But the next part of the conversation, well it rocked my world and shattered any part of my heart that was left.

Forget what I said about Brooke and I never having honest conversations about Lucas, because right then, it all changed. She told me every detail about the night after we broke up, the night he found out he was getting his book published, the night he and Brooke got wasted on the town and then he confessed his love to her and kissed him.

I never said no. And there he was less than twenty-four hours later kissing none other than Brooke Davis. I didn't have to fake being heartbroken or shocked or upset, because those emotions were all there. And real, so real. I didn't say anything back. I couldn't. I felt betrayed. By Lucas. Even by Brooke. Now, I know, it wasn't her fault. But I couldn't help but be reminded of all the hurt and betrayal from high school. I couldn't help but be reminded what a bad person I was to Brooke. My emotions were just too much.

She could tell I was out of it. That I was on emotional overload. She kept apologizing in her Brooke way, "Oh God, P. Sawyer, I am so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you…I thought you knew…or that you should know…Oh God….Peyt….Peyton….PEYTON…are you still there? I am so sorry. I just, I didn't want this between us. I thought you should know. I'm sorry you are hurting. I am here if you ever need me. Do you want me to come out to L.A….You must be so alone…."

Weakly I put on the biggest smile I could fake, hoping she would hear the smile in my voice, "Brooke, I'm here. Thank you for telling me. I'm going to be OK. But hey, I really gotta go. I have awesome tickets to a show and so I will call you soon. Miss you B. Davis"

And with that I hung up. I had no intentions of calling her soon. I had no concert to go to. And I was not OK with her telling me.

But I also had my own secret.

I hadn't been alone. There had been someone there to comfort me. But I didn't want Brooke to know. Not that I could have told her on the phone anyways, I was too shell shocked to really process everything she told me. But, I hadn't been alone.

Nathan had come. I didn't even have to call. Of course, he heard about Luke and I breaking up from Haley. It was about a week after it happened. I came back to my apartment and there he was sitting outside, just waiting for me. He didn't ask me if I wanted him to come to L.A., he didn't call to let me know he was in town, hell he didn't even ask to come in. He just did.

See, that is the thing about Nathan and I. We have this connection, this bond. If one of us is hurting or in a really dark place, then the other one can feel it. It is a feeling that can't be easily ignored. I find it humorous at times that we have this connection now. I wonder what it would have been life if we had been connected like this when we were dating. Lucas would have never had the chance to ask me to marry him. Hell, Nathan and I could have been him and Haley….married as juniors…parents when we graduated.

It has been complete silence since I let him in and now I am amused thinking about our deep connection and the two of us as parents in high school. He smirks, that same smirk that still makes me melt, and says, "Sawyer, we would have sucked as parents," reading my mind and voicing my thoughts. I just shrug and agree, "We sucked at a lot of things when we were together." I can see the hurt that ripples through his eyes…but as quick as it happens it is gone.

Finally, he asks if I am OK and I quickly respond that if he thought I was OK, he wouldn't be here. It's that connection. That damn connection. But for some reason he just starts uncontrollably laughing and says, 

"Peyt, you are never going to change, still the same smart ass, brooding, emo cheerleader I dated in high school."

At this point, I'm not sure if I should join him in laughter or cry and before I get a chance to decide a mixture of both comes out. At this he makes his way over to me and envelopes me in a hug, where for the first time since Luke walked out, I truly break down. There is just something so safe about his embrace. I can finally let myself feel all the emotions I have been hiding.

I must have fallen asleep in his arms, because that is how I woke up the next morning. On the floor of my tiny apartment in Nathan's arms. And for just a second, I thought I was still in high school. There was no proposal. Just me and Nathan. And for the first time in a long time I smiled a real smile. It was then that Nathan woke up. He looked into my eyes and smiled back, and I felt my heart heal the tiniest bit. The first of many times I would feel my heart heal during his visit.

I called into work that day and took the rest of the week off. Then Nathan and I found a diner and went to breakfast. It was at breakfast that he told me neither Haley nor Luke knew he had come to see me. And I have to say that as glad as I was to see him, I felt sick knowing he hadn't told Haley he was coming. Because as much as I love Nathan and sometimes miss what we had, I love him and Haley together. I love Haley, and despite our differences after she came back for Nathan, she came back, and that is why I love her. I told him he had to call her and tell her, and it was then, for the second time that morning he dropped a bombshell on me. He told me she would understand. That he felt like he needed to be here for me. And that there was something that just the two of us needed to do together. It was then that he pulled the two tickets to Tree Hill out of his wallet.

And here, I thought that Nathan and I had this connection, but Tree Hill was the last place I wanted to go. What was he thinking taking me back there, I couldn't go there. But somehow a mere two hours later I was sitting on an airplane, next to Nathan, on my way back to Tree Hill.

Sitting on the airplane, I was going over how he had so smoothly charmed me into thinking I could go back. At breakfast that morning he said he needed me to go to Tree Hill with him. That he felt like he needed to see Dan, but that Lucas and Haley wouldn't understand. He was counting on me to understand that he needed to see his dad, even if he was a murder. He knew I would understand not wanting to lose a parent. And then he said maybe it would be good for me to go back, I could go and visit my mom.

I think I got on the airplane because I was so shocked at how well Nathan knew me. How he knew that I would understand him wanting to see Dan or how well he knew that I would feel better visiting my mom's grave and talking about Lucas with her. Even though I was still skeptical, above all I felt like I needed to be there for Nathan. So then, there we were, in Tree Hill. Just the two of us facing our fears. Together.

It wasn't the night of drinking in New York City that Brooke had given to Lucas when he was hurting. Nathan and I had spent too many nights when we were hurting being drunken fools. Instead, it was Nathan being my friend and giving me everything that I would never admit I needed. Above all, it was it was him just being there for me.

That trip helped take the pain away. It didn't heal me. There was nothing that was going to heal me. That is why when Brooke called I didn't pretend to be upset or heartbroken by what she told me. I was upset and heartbroken.

I never told anyone that Nathan came to visit me, or that we went back to Tree Hill together. I don't know if he ever told Haley what he did that week. If he did, she has never said anything to me. For me, it was almost like if I told anyone that Nathan came to visit me that it would take the healing away. Even now, I don't think I will ever tell anyone. That week was special.

That connection we have. It wasn't always there. I think it showed up for me when Haley left him to go on tour. I felt guilty, like I had encouraged her to leave him and follow her dream. I don't know when it showed up for him, maybe it showed up when I found out that he had slept with Brooke when we were dating. At those critical times in our lives when we were past being saved…when no one else could get past the walls we had put up…that's when we felt the connection. That's when only we could save each other.

That's why he just showed up a week after Luke walked away. At my darkest hour. He didn't try to make it better. He was just there. He was a true friend.

I wish I could say I had been that true friend to Nathan. But I wasn't. I felt it, the connection; I knew he needed me, for months. But I ignored it. I figured that with Haley, Lucas and James he would be fine. But that feeling…it never went away. Until finally, I couldn't take it anymore.

So I came home. Not for Luke. Not for Haley.

I came home for Nathan. I knew he needed me. I could feel it.


End file.
